I've written and deleted. Written and deleted.
I have been given miracles in my life. When I wasn't sure if God would trust me with another, he did. And I try my best to not fail my miracle. To nurture her, take care of her, love her, and teach her to be the person she's meant to be.
And sometimes it surprises me that even though I've been blessed beyond belief, it doesn't erase the past. There are still things that hurt. There are still pains. There's still a shade of darkness that gets the best of me.
It's in those moments I have to remind myself that I can do this. That the actions of the past, the choices of who I was...that they don't define who I am. They don't define who I will be. Because I have God. And a good doctor. And maybe some good help. And people who see that look in my eyes, and know that even if I don't say it, I'm thinking of things I don't want to put words to.
I have been blessed, so blessed. It almost doesn't seem fair to have all of this other stuff in my mind, clouding it. Is anyone able to really take their miracles and not question how deserving they are? Is anyone able to find endless joy in the blessing with out having self doubt?
I am sure this is all a jumbled mess. There's more I want to say, but I understand that this wasn't clear and so I don't want to add to the confusion.
Monday, April 12, 2010
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You are doing an amazing job. You are a great mom.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) I won't say I know how you feel because I know we haven't had the same experience that brings you to write this, however, I think everyone has feelings of self doubt and if we actually deserve our babies. I totally know how that feels. I get so frustrated sometimes with things L is doing (or not doing) and just want to lose my shit, and sometimes do, and then I feel soooo incredibly guilty that this helpless baby has to have me for a mother...I often feel like I don't deserve him.
ReplyDeleteWho you were in the past has made you who you are now & that is a great mommy!! The past really is the past & you can't dwell on it; having said that I think that we could all look at things in our pasts & cringe but you can't change it so love how you have changed & made you life better!!!
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